Blonde Antithesis

I really want to blog - and I really don’t at the same time…

It’s usually my desire to be as uplifting as possible (for an overly dramatic, melancholy poet), and I just know where my mind is today…so forgive me if I’m a downer.

Twelve years ago yesterday, I lost a baby. That date was also my brother’s birthday and as he only lived for seven days, this time of the year is difficult…

It wasn’t that a miscarriage is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person…a woman. It wasn’t even that it was a mid-term miscarriage, so I had to go through labor and delivery. It wasn’t just that I really wanted that child and had been trying to get pregnant for quite a while…

It was more that I was completely unprepared.

Unprepared for how physically traumatic the experience would be - I heard miscarriage talked about like it was no big deal…or maybe it was just my own ignorance.

Unprepared for the deep sense of loss that I would feel - the loss of a relationship that I had developed in such a short time…a bond that was stronger than I imagined it would be with someone I hadn’t even met yet.

Unprepared for the insensitivity of others, who meant well, but only made things worse by saying things like: “Well, at least it wasn’t a real child…” or “At least you didn’t ever get to know it before you lost it…” or worse still, “Maybe God’s trying to tell you something…”

I was completely unprepared for how unprepared I felt.

I don’t know why this is on my mind today. Maybe because I’ve been sick all week and my mind has had too much time to think. It’s just that that experience was one that caused me to grow up and realize that life is full of opportunities…

Opportunities to go one way or the other. Opportunities to learn…to empathize with the pains and hurts of others. Opportunities to grow bitter…or better. Every lesson in life gives us the gift of seeing life through less clouded eyes - eyes that understand that everyone has pain…everyone has secrets…everyone has a story.

Life is filled with choices…with crossroads - things that we experience that can begin to define us.

One thing my miscarriage reminds me of when I think about it today, is that I want to be defined - not by my pain, not by my scars - but by how much I love. And every hurt is an opportunity for me to live more in love than I did before.

The past couple of years have held more hurts than I’ve ever experienced in the previous 30 plus years combined, and I’m learning and trying to embrace these hurts as more and more opportunities. I’ve been blessed with an abundance of opportunities to walk in love…remember grace…practice forgiveness. I’m not saying that I always choose to function in these, but God has seen fit to give me lots of practice.

So, today - the day after - I celebrate the pains of life. I embrace God’s grace that allows me to keep learning. I choose to learn to love more, forgive more, understand more…

…because we all have a story - and every day means that the story is not over yet!

So, here’s to learning, to growing…and to loving more and more. It truly does win - and it’s the only thing that can cover all the hurts and pain. They don’t disappear entirely, but they can become trophies of grace and reminders of mercy.

And it’s because of grace and mercy that I can love…and say, “it is well with my soul”…

…and it is.

Peace.

…this quote does, that is:

“Women are made to be loved, not understood.” -Oscar Wilde

It is a noble undertaking, however, for a man to try…and try…and try…

Good night,

Peace.

Happy Wednesday!

When you’re cooped up, you run out of things to write about.

I think about so many things…so I have plenty of thoughts, but thoughts that I want to write down - not so much.

I could spend days just thinking…Sometimes Byron will ask what I’m thinking about - and after I take him on the wild goose chase of my thought process, (leading from why God made roaches to a lengthy contemplation of the color blue), he decides that he doesn’t want to think as hard as he has to to keep up with ONE of my trains of thought…

But, back to my original question: What to blog…what to blog?

I’m wearing one of my “newly washed” sweaters today (I know it’s not that cold outside, but my internal thermometer is all out of wack…so.) - the sleeves used to come down over my hands…But, now it’s nice and clean…and also a 3/4 sleeved sweater! What the howdie-doodie, spring will be here before long, so I should just let Byron wash this sweater again, then I’ll have a short-sleeved one! (Have no idea where “what the howdie-doodie” came from…but, oh well!). I’m really not bitter - at least it’s giving me something to blog about.

Staff meeting is going on right now. I usually participate, but I feel…not great - so I made an appearance, put in my two-cents, and exited. The leadership really is awesome at C3 - I’m privileged to get to work with all of them. I wish I had more energy…maybe tomorrow.

So, I think that’s all I have for now. I don’t think this blog could be any more random or pointless…

…I think I’ll spend a while considering the way the waves sound…or the color purple - no, wait - turquoise! Turquoise is a funny word - especially when you say it all hoity-toity like “tor-kwas” - Turquoise, turquoise, turquoise…oh great, now it has no meaning…

Peace out for now!

…so, I’ve had enough.

enough lying in bed. enough taking my temp. and it not going down. enough taking horse-pills that do nothing but make me feel sick. enough watching mindless t.v. that reminds me of what we’ve come to as a society. enough knowing my house is in disrepair, and my family is fending for themselves.

…so, Byron cleaned this morning. He’s trying to make me feel better. He did an awesome job on the kitchen and even swept the sunroom (it’s a very large room full of tile and…sand from the boy’s school playground - separate issue!). Then, he moved on to the laundry…

…okay so did I mention that I’ve had a fever?

so, now I need to apologize for my reaction to some of the things that got “washed”…

I really need to develop a sense of humor about these things. I really need to remember that they are only “things” and they can be replaced. I need to remember that my loving husband was only trying to make me feel better in the first place.

I do know all of these things. I think I’m just going a little stir-crazy…but I feel too drained to do anything about it.

So, let the house get messy - who cares? Let the laundry be done…well, in a new and creative way - at least it will be entertaining to see how things turn out (wool coming right out of the dryer is…interesting!) Who cares? None of it really matters in the long run…

Right?

P.S.: Byron would like for me to mention that my house is not in disrepair - but, I can exaggerate if I want to…I am, after all, a sick, feverish, blogging drama queen!

Peace.